


Less of You

by PikaChu100



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Photographer, Angst, Falling In Love, Forgiveness, Getting to Know Each Other, Hurt No Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Insecurity, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, References to Depression, Time Skips, but it looks like it, i swear it's not, kinda have a suicide scene but not really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:07:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23787583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PikaChu100/pseuds/PikaChu100
Summary: Akaashi learns that you can be stupid and not know that you had the very best thing in your life.He tries to cope with losing him.Tries.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	Less of You

**Author's Note:**

> In case you missed the tags, there is a scene that will seem like a suicide scene but it's not. If you are not comfortable with it, then you are free to not read.

Akaashi returns home after a whole day spent in the studio. By the time he’s home the whole city is sleeping and he should be too. The bed is cold and empty every day and he hates how it makes him remember just 2 years before it wasn’t always like this. This apartment wasn’t just so damn dull and quiet – heck it was the opposite of quiet. It was always rowdy and music was played every second in this tiny apartment. But of course that person that used to warm the bed and was the same person who put the annoying song on every day is gone and Akaashi finds himself humming to the song he hated so much on some nights as he tries to sleep. Things weren’t the same without Bokuto around anymore and he wishes he could get Bokuto back. 

But it was Akaashi who fucked up to everyone’s surprise. He was the heartbreaker, the one who caused the whirlwind of fights in their relationship and the one who ended it. He’s left to regret for the coming days. 

He slips into the bed after discarding his clothes without showering, and lies awake in dead silence praying that he’ll fall asleep soon enough. He does fall asleep but then he dreams, he dreams of vanilla scented candles being lit, of movie dates with a familiar face. He dreams of grey hair and golden eyes; he dreams of the love of his life who he let slip through his fingers. Partially awake while still in a daze, he feels warmth around him and his mind is asking him  _ ‘isn’t this what you miss the most? His warmth.’ _ , he grips onto his bed covers. It stops him from searching around for a mass that isn’t there anymore. 

His eyes flutter open and he realises the warmth he is feeling is just from the sun rising and it wasn’t what he wished for. He curls himself and shuts his eyes, he tries to control his breathing and think other thoughts beside those golden eyes he just dreamed off and especially of how they would hold him like he is the most precious thing in the world. He tries – he’s been trying for more than a year now and it just doesn’t work. 

The memories were too vivid for him to forget, the love is too real for him to let go and Bokuto is just too perfect for Akaashi to even forgive himself for what he did. And this is his punishment – a crying mess first thing in the morning. His body shakes along with the cries, his voice cracks and his wheezes so hard for air but everything just suffocates him. The guilt and pain of hurting and losing is too great for him to be okay again and he hopes Bokuto isn’t feeling the same way because for all he knows he’s the jackass that deserves the pain not Bokuto.

He still doesn’t know how to do this all without Bokuto with him. Akaashi turns to stare at the ceiling with teary eyes - some of the tears slide down the side of his face. “I don’t know how to do this without you.”

“Morning, you look like shit.” Kuroo greets Akaashi first thing in the morning when he walks into his office. 

He gives a weak smile to Kuroo before muttering 'good morning’, this makes Kuroo wonder what is up because usually Akaashi would bite back with a comment about his hair –but today he’s silent. Kuroo watches as the male unpacks his laptop from his bag and silently starts checking his work list. Slowly he saunters to Akaashi’s desk. 

“Okay, what’s up? You're too quiet.” Kuroo doesn’t beat around the bushes and asks up front.

“Nothing.” Akaashi doesn’t look at Kuroo. 

“Liar.”

“Just leave, it’s nothing that concerns you.” 

“Oh, I think it does.” Kuroo ponders. “Or someone I know. We both know.” 

That gets Akaashi to turn to him. “Even if it is, it’s still none of your concern.” 

“Alright, but I’m here if you ever want to talk.” 

As Kuroo leaves, he balls his fists and sucks a deep breath in. He knows Kuroo’s always there to talk about what happened but there’s no way Akaashi could tell him what he’s feeling especially when Kuroo is Bokuto’s best friend. Not that he doesn’t trust Kuroo but he doesn’t want Bokuto to hear anything about him.

Akaashi stares at his laptop while trying to arrange his mind once again after the thought of Bokuto floods him again. It’s never good to think about your ex when you’re at work - it distracts you from being productive and it doesn’t help him that his ex’s best friend is currently sitting near him in the same office. He’d have to act like nothing is wrong when Kuroo mentions his name. He’d have to conceal his shaking hands and take breaks to the bathroom to hole himself up in the bathroom stall to calm himself down. 

“Akaashi,” Kuroo calls his name, making him look up. “If you don’t feel good, take the day off. You stayed over time too long yesterday.”

“No thanks, I need to get this work done.” Akaashi weakly declines. 

“Go home.” Sawamura, the art director of the studio pats his shoulder. “You don’t look like you can do any work today. Go visit the doctors, you look sick.” 

_ I feel sick. Akaashi whispers in his head. _

“Alright, if everyone is so persistent on it.” Akaashi sighs and closes his laptop, he packs his things to go back home.

His office mates quietly watch him leave the studio unsuspectingly. Kuroo and Sawamura share a look. “He doesn’t know, does he?” Sawamura asks Kuroo.

“He has no clue that Bokuto is coming. It’s good that you made him go home, he doesn’t look okay.” Kuroo massages his temple.

“I know I shouldn’t meddle with my worker’s private life but is there really no way to make him okay again? It’s been 2 years. I’ve never seen him smile ever since they broke up.” Sawamura frowns in concern.

“He is taking it the hardest right now.” Kuroo mutters. “It’s something he has to just get through with sooner or later. We’re not the ones who can help him, it’s himself who needs to do that.” 

“But - isn’t he just hurting himself more? Are we just going to let it be?” 

Akaashi finds himself back at his apartment, with his back against the door he slides down until he’s sitting on the floor. It’s back to radio silence, he wanted to go to work - he needed to go to work because when he’s not at work he faces this emptiness in his home that serves as a reminder how empty it really is without him around. And that Akaashi really threw away a diamond, a precious diamond that people have been dreaming of finding in their lives but he just chucked it away like it was nothing and now he realises his stupidity. 

He unties his shoes and slips it off, instead of getting up he lies down on the floor of the hallway with his arm propped underneath his head. His limbs were heavy as if there were string tied around his limb and the strings were tied around huge boulders at the other ends. Akaashi shuts his eyes - wishing for this all to be a nightmare. 

He wishes for Bokuto back. 

“So you guys made him leave for the day?” Bokuto mutters, his eyes wander around the studio.

“Pretty much.” Kuroo sets up his camera. “Hey this is for an advertisement right? Print?” 

“Yeah, print ad. They want it cheesy though.” Bokuto nods. 

When he was asked if he knew any professional photography studio, Bokuto automatically named this one and then he remembered that it wasn’t just Kuroo who works here, Akaashi does too. But he already told them and there’s no way of backing out. He was prepared to face Akaashi again, he wanted to see the male even, he wishes to see Akaashi well and perhaps sorry for what he did but he guess Akaashi isn’t by the way Kuroo and Sawamura-san is shielding him from all this.

“Is he okay?” Bokuto looks at Kuroo - ready to be scolded. 

Kuroo puts down his camera on the table. “I wish I can say he is. Regret it sure thing, but it seems like regret is swallowing him whole. It’s not a good look.” 

“I see.” Bokuto doesn’t ask further and Kuroo holds his tongue back. 

“Well, let’s get the shoot going.” 

By the time Akaashi wakes up from the nap, his arm is throbbing from being in the position for too long, the sky is orange. He slept through the day yet he still feels tired. He rolls to his back and stares at the ceiling without a thought before sitting up and collecting his things from the floor of the hallway. He enters his office and places his bag on the table, he takes a look around it - it’s messy, papers scattered everywhere. It used to not be like this, he wasn’t like this before. 

Akaashi is slowly losing himself.

“Have you ever thought of getting back together with him?” Kuroo glances at Bokuto.

Bokuto visibly halts in the motion of putting his food in his mouth, the chopsticks move down back on the plate - they were alone at a restaurant. “Honestly, more than I should be. I- I don’t know to be honest.”

“You don’t know if you should get back together with him or not?” Kuroo takes a sip of his drink. 

Bokuto nods. “He was everything I ever wanted. We were so happy too and I don’t know what really went wrong.”

“You said he was everything you ever wanted. Why not ‘is’?” Kuroo takes a bite of his food. 

Bokuto chuckles, “He’s not the same man I fell in love with.”

“Could you ever love the man that he is now?” 

“Could I ever love the man that he is now?” Bokuto ponders. 

“Perhaps not. He’s not Keiji.” 

It’s a rather unique answer Kuroo thinks.“If Keiji were to return, would you love him again?”

“Of course, it’s Keiji.”

“Bokuto-”

“I never stopped loving Keiji. I think there’s something wrong with me.” 

It was the first time Kuroo has seen Bokuto wiping his eyes dry and his face bare of a smile.

Kuroo has been there to witness it all, from the first time they met, the chase and the end. The long years of them being together and the downfall of what was dubbed the perfect couple but reality is there was no perfect relationship in this world and perhaps what happened between was just something unfortunate. He knows Akaashi and the man who cheated on his best friend isn’t Akaashi, it was some jackass. And he hates that jackass. At first Kuroo liked seeing Akaashi miserable - he hurt Bokuto badly by betraying his trust and he needed to feel the pain he caused Bokuto. An eye for an eye - that’s what Kuroo believed. 

But this has gone too far. It wasn’t just a regret, repent, and move on. Akaashi is letting the regret consume him and he fails to see past the fact, he isn’t giving himself a chance of forgiveness that Kuroo has finally given him and perhaps Bokuto already forgiven the male.

He hopes Akaashi will learn to forgive himself soon.

  
  


The studio’s project with Bokuto’s company managed to remain a secret from Akaashi for the 2 months it needed to be completed. Kuroo doesn’t know how they manage to keep it a secret but it doesn’t matter now. It’s finished and there would only be a couple more days where there will be minor reasons for the company or Bokuto to be in contact with the studio before it would all end and Kuroo hopes it will all go smoothly.

But one can only hope but it’s the gods that decide what they will make out of the situations at hand. And this particular time the gods weren't going to give Kuroo what he wanted. Another representative of the company comes and thanks them for the hard work for the ad. Akaashi silently stands by and smiles politely, but the smile shakens with the mention of Bokuto’s name. Kuroo and Daichi take that as a sign to shut the representative up and decide to usher him to a meeting room.

Before entering the meeting room, Kuroo glances at Akaashi. The male froze at his spot. This isn’t good. That night the whole team goes out for dinner, Akaashi comes too but only after being forced by the others who did not know about him and Bokuto. They eat, chat and drink in a joyous celebration. 

Akaashi leaves early. 

Akaashi leaves the restaurant a little buzzed. He had to give the team his kudos for being able to keep it all a secret from him, just how many times Bokuto came to the studio without him knowing he was there. Akaashi sucks a deep breath in and wipes his wet eyes - why is he even crying? Why does it hurt so bad?

Breathing is hard when it’s labour and when tears just won’t stop pouring out from his eyes.

The next day, Akaashi doesn’t show up for work.

“He’s not here?” Daichi asks in disbelief.

“It’s not like him to be this late.” Kuroo mutters

He watches as Daichi tries calling Akaashi. It isn’t the problem of his being late, it was just them feeling worried for Akaashi.

“Akaashi isn’t picking up.” Sawamura curses. 

“Shit. None of you have heard anything from him since last night?” Kuroo unintentionally glares at his co-workers.

They all shake their heads with a worried look on their face. Kuroo curses under his breath. He’s been worried about Akaashi since he noticed how Akaashi has been out of it most of the time, how his body seems significantly thinner and fragile than before and knowing Akaashi who has a big appetite it’s worrisome. Perhaps it’s because he’s friends with the male and knows that he has been in a bad place for years but refuses anyone to help. Guilt and regret is eating Akaashi whole and Kuroo hopes the sickening feeling in his stomach everytime something really bad is going to happen is just anxiety working up and nothing really bad happened. 

“Have you tried the apartment?” A new voice joins them.

Bokuto stands there bare of any expression, he is supposed to be here today to check the shipment of ad his company is making with the studio. He overheard the whole thing and it doesn’t matter what happened between him and Akaashi in the past - it still didn’t sit well with him. Akaashi wouldn’t ignore calls on purpose especially when it’s his colleagues calling. 

“I don’t exactly know his pin number to enter the house and banging on the door isn’t the most ideal thing, it could bother the neighbours.” Kuroo sighs.

“If he didn’t change the number, I could be of help.” Bokuto says. “If he didn’t.”

“Worth a shot.” Sawamura says. “If you’re up for it Bokuto.” 

“It’s whatever.” Bokuto shrugs and turns towards the door. 

“I’ll go with you, I’ll drive.” Kuroo grabs his jacket and keys. 

“Call me if anything happens.” Sawamura reminds Kuroo. 

“Are you sure? He could just genuinely be asleep or something.” Kuroo asks Bokuto as they drive to the apartment.

“He’s a light sleeper.” Bokuto simply answers. “A call would wake him up and you guys have been calling non stop. If he was asleep, he would wake up already.” 

Kuroo bites his lips. “True, but perhaps-”

“Wishful thinking is good but the sickening feeling says otherwise.” Bokuto looks at Kuroo. 

“Yea.” Kuroo sees the look of despair in his friend’s face - how did he manage to miss that when Bokuto was talking about the apartment just now. 

Kuroo keeps himself on his toes, Bokuto isn’t saying anything throughout the ride to Akaashi’s house. He feels like he needs to say something - just anything to stop the cold silence in his car. He glances at Bokuto. “Are you sure you want to do this?” 

“Just drive. You don’t need to worry about me.” Bokuto answers in a rather harsh tone.

“Alright. I’m sorry.” Kuroo apologizes, maybe he was the one who was worrying too much about it.

“No, I’m sorry.” Bokuto sighs. “I’m actually scared of losing him forever.” 

“It’s okay to be afraid of losing him.” Kuroo mutters. “A bad break up doesn’t entail you two having to despise each other.”

Bokuto lets out a pained laugh. “I think it would be better if I hated him rather than all this feeling that is still in me.” Bokuto hunches over his seat. “It would have been less painful.”

Some people are just meant to be with each other but fate is a twisted being that at times they mess with pairs that are destined together and tear them apart and hurt them so bad that they hesitate to be together again despite it killing them. 

And Kuroo is just the friend that witnessed it all happening without a way to help both his friends. 

They arrive at the apartment complex where Akaashi lives it. Bokuto leads the way to Akaashi’s unit, he lived in the same apartment unit with Akaashi before finally moving out when it all ended between them. Bokuto stands in front of the door, hands shaking and hesitant. Nonetheless, he tries the old pin that they have always used. It was the date of their first date. Painstakingly, Bokuto punches in the numbers, he could feel bile rise up his throat as he presses the keypad. 

The door opens.

“Akaashi!” Kuroo calls out as they enter the apartment. 

The living room and kitchen is empty and the whole house is quiet. Kuroo and Bokuto split up, while Kuroo checks the bedroom, Bokuto checks the office. Bokuto is thankful that Kuroo isn’t making him check the bedroom. It would be too much to walk into that room again, walking into this house is already making his stomach twist and him nauseous. 

“He’s not here.” Kuroo says and he leaves the bedroom. 

“Not in the office either. Bathroom maybe.” Bokuto walks to the bathroom with Kuroo behind him. 

He opens the unlocked door slowly only to hear the running tap water, and his heart drops in a matter of minutes when he finally sees Akaashi. Kuroo curses and fumbles in his pocket to get his phone out.

“Shit, Bo - Bokuto check if he’s breathing!” Kuroo’s voice cracks. 

Bokuto finds himself glued to the floor, his eyes wide and teary all of the sudden. His knees were about to give up on him. “Keiji.” 

Keiji. Keiji. Keiji. Keiji.Keiji. Bokuto falls to his knees. 

His world is spinning beside him, his heart beats fast in his body. His throat clammed up and all that nauseous feeling was gone. With what little strength he has in his body - he crawls over to the over filled bathtub, his pants were getting wet but that didn’t matter. Getting wet from the water is nothing right now. 

Akaashi is in the bathtub, his face submerged in the water. Bokuto pulls the male out of the water with shaking eyes. He props the boy’s head on his arm and starts checking for a pulse - it’s faint. With his other hand he turns the tap off. Akaashi’s face is pale, his lips blue and his skin is cold. Bokuto takes a towel and lifts Akaashi out of the bathtub, he wraps the boy with the towel. All while doing this he doesn’t notice how much tears he’s spilling until he sees the droplets falling onto Akaashi’s cheeks. 

“The paramedics are on the way.” Kuroo is shaking as badly as he is. 

Bokuto is still holding Akaashi close. His pulse is still faint and Bokuto is so lost on what he could do to help Akaashi. 

“He’s going to be okay.” Kuroo comforts Bokuto. 

“Why?” Bokuto cries. “Why was he like that?”

“I don’t know, it might just be an accident.” Kurro stumbles over his words trying to answer a question where the answer is only known by the pale boy. 

The paramedics come and put Akaashi on the stretcher and everything just goes by fast with people checking his pulse, pulling out needles and iv bags. Bokuto couldn’t grasp anything that was happening and the next thing he knows is that the paramedics are gone and Kuroo is yelling at him but his voice is mute. Bokuto stares blankly at Kuroo. 

“Oi! We need to go! Akaashi needs us!” Kuroo grabs Bokuto by the collar. “This isn’t the time for you to be weak.” 

“Y-you’re right.” Bokuto nods.

The both of them head to the hospital where Akaashi is brought to - they didn’t see where they took Akaashi but a nurse informs them that the doctors are treating him right now. They sit at the seats available at the emergency area, Kuroo is busy explaining what happened to Sawamura while Bokuto has his hands in his hair. 

This was too much - too close to home.

It took them an hour to finally leave the hospital. Both of them are silent until Kuroo starts talking, he begins to tell Bokuto about Akaashi - how much Akaashi has changed. Those changes aren’t for the best, it was basically how Akaashi was losing himself.

Akaashi didn’t need much treatment but they are planning on keeping him for a few days and even scheduling a session with a psychiatrist. Of course they would, seeing what happened - it made Bokuto think if Akaashi was really going to do something like that, but the Akaashi he knew wouldn’t be that type of person - but people change so he doesn’t know much. 

With not many people around and his family far away, Akaashi had no one to see him in the hospital. Aside from Bokuto. The male was transferred to a normal room where he shares them with another 3 people. Bokuto comes with a bag of clothes and his things.

Saying that it was awkward is an understatement. Both of them are unsure of the situation but Akaashi thanks Bokuto for bringing his things - he’s not meeting Bokuto’s eyes though. Akaashi is ashamed of himself for allowing Bokuto seeing him at his worst state. Akaashi is expecting that Bokuto would leave after giving him the things he would need but the male takes a seat on the chair beside his bed. 

“You want to talk?” Akaashi mutters.

“Yeah.” Bokuto’s voice sounds like it’s stuck in his throat. 

Akaashi remained silent to allow Bokuto to speak. 

“Were you - you trying to-” Bokuto couldn’t even finish the sentence without getting choked up. The imagery of Akaashi in the bathtub filled with water and the male submerged plus what Kuroo just told him about Akaashi, he thought about the what if’s. There’s no way he would want to take away his life right?

“No. I would never.” Akaashi whispers, his throat burning. 

“Then-” Bokuto glances at him with hurt eyes. 

Akaashi shuts his eyes and looks away, he doesn’t want to see those eyes like that ever again. He bites his lips, he could feel the tears pooling. “I just haven’t been the very best after you left. I just fell asleep in the tub. Left the water running.”

“I get tired easily.” He adds.

Bokuto lets out a shaky breath and looks down. “You were the one who called it off.” 

“I know and I’m sorry for cheating on you.” 

“Why did you do it?” Bokuto asks him. “Was I not good enough?”

In the hospital while lying on the bed, clad in a hospital gown - after what seemed like a suicide attempt isn’t the place he’d imagine he’ll be explaining his infidelity to his ex. But it needs to happen - for both of them. They needed closure, both of them.

“I was an idiot. You were perfect. I don’t know why I did it.” Akaashi tries to search for a reason why. “I guess I just knew you would always be there for me and I took that for granted and slept with that guy.”

They remain silent after that, Akaashi doesn’t speak. He lets Bokuto process the things he said, a part of him really wants Bokuto to go so he could cry his eyes out. Of all people, Bokuto saw him at the weakest point, on the contrary, Bokuto looks fine. He didn’t change at all, still the same and Akaashi feels like the loser. He is anyway, he lost Bokuto.

“Sir, I’m sorry but visiting hours are over.” A nurse approaches Bokuto.

“Ah, alright. I’ll be leaving soon.” Bokuto nods and bows his head to the nurse. 

“Go home.”

“I’m planning to.” Bokuto gets up.

Akaashi turns to his side - away from Bokuto. 

“Akaashi.”

“Just go. I don’t want to see you go. Again.”

“What?” 

“I don’t want to see you leaving me again.” His voice cracks. 

Akaashi slaps a hand to his mouth, holding back the cries just for a little more. The tears are already streaming down his face. He waits for Bokuto to say something - anything or the very least to hear footsteps. 

“Okay, I’ll be going now. Keiji.” 

Once the footsteps begin to disappear from him, Akaashi lets the hands slip away from his mouth - trembling so hard and he bawls his eyes out. Scratchy cries let out from his throat, his heart constrained so tight he could barely breathe - he hit his chest repeatedly hoping the pain would free up some pain in him. 

_ Keiji. _

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you don't hate me for this. Will there be a sequel? Idk. Would I write one? Perhaps if I come up with a nice story for the next one - this was written on a whim. If you want it you can voice it down below ahaha I hope you enjoyed it, comments,kudos and subs are loved! Have a great day/month/ year!
> 
> Edit 25/5/2020: There's a part two coming but not that soon.


End file.
